Recently the Lord has been showing me the direction He wants me to be in right now. It is NOT what my plans were. I really feel I heard from the Lord to go in a certain direction over six months ago, so that is what I’ve been focusing on. I’ve been very excited for the big change I thought would be taking place in my life and the life of my family. Now it seems I have to give that up, or at the very least put it on the back burner. I’ve been having a really hard time with it. I can’t believe He’s calling me to the group of people that He may be calling me to now. I keep asking the Lord, “Are you sure?” and “Are you serious? Out of all the people in the world, that is where you want me to be?” Do you hear the unwillingness in my voice? I learned long ago God is not bothered by our emotion. It doesn’t throw Him for a loop. He is able to handle anger, confusion, sarcasm or anything else you say to Him. Certainly we should be respectful of Him however we don’t need to try to hide our feelings from Him. He knows how we feel better then we do.
I want to be on the same page as the Lord. I want to be all in in what He wants to do in my life. So now there has been this conflict going on in me as my flesh is finding the will of God. I want to make sure I was really hearing God several months ago. I still think I was but the Lord is also showing me often times He doesn’t fulfill the promises He gives to His people right away. Many biblical figures had to wait years, even decades before God’s promises were fulfilled in their lives. He’s reminding me He hasn’t forgotten about me.
Then I ran across several prayers I typed out from different points in my life asking the Lord to use me. I recalled the many times I’ve told the Lord I would do whatever He wants me to. Then the Lord brought to my memory the hair show I was in about ten years ago. If you’re not familiar with a hair show it’s when hair stylists come to see new hair styles, colors, cuts and products. To be in the show some people had to look at my hair to decide if they could use me. The only catch is I had to allow them to do anything they want to my hair. Cut, color, style…I had no say in the matter but they did pay me. Up to this point I always had long brown hair. I had a couple perms in middle school but that was it. So my hair was pretty healthy. They decided to cut and color half of my head before the show and do the other half on stage in front of the stylist attending the conference. After they finished my hair I walked down the catwalk with the other models. The music was thumping as the bright lights shined on us. It was fun and worth the risk of a crazy hair-do. My hair was in a style I never would have chosen. It didn’t fit my personality but I welcomed the change knowing my hair would grow back. The experience was one I won’t forget.
I realized I need to have the same attitude with God that I did with the hair show. To say, “Lord, whatever you want to do is fine with me.” Sure I could have told the hair stylists I didn’t want my hair that way but then I wouldn’t have been in the show and I wouldn’t have gotten paid. Just like when I tell the Lord use me but not in this way or to those people or in that city. I can do that but I won’t be able to be used by Him and I won’t reap the rewards of having that experience. On the other hand when I say yes to God I’ll get to walk the path He has for me and the light that will be shining on me is the light of God shining through me. That IS something I want to be a part of.
That is my heart but I’m still saddened to give up this other thing. It’s like a piece of me has to die. Dying is painful and hard. I was comforted when I remembered when Jesus was praying before He was arrested. He did not want to go though the suffering He was about to endure. Yet He quickly said to the Father, “Not my will but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42) As much as I want to I should not put contengencies on the Lord but instead trust Him to use me in the way He sees best. That’s not always easy but the Lord has been working me through this. I can always count on Him to be faithful and loving.